Whinging Wednesday - What's Up With That Horatio Caine?

photo credit

How typical! This is exactly the kind of unnatural pose you'd expect to find of Horatio Caine. In case you don't know who he is, (lucky you!) he's the head of the CSI Miami team, played by David Caruso. His series of actions in each painful episode is extensively and redundantly choreographed: a foolish pose, a sideways glance for no particular reason (but to show what he must think is his 'good' side), and then a deliberate slow removal of those daft dark glasses he puts on just to take off. 

I mean, for crying out loud (the word stop) who dreams up or plays a character so shallow. He must have one hundred words in each episode; unintelligible phrases seemingly written for the sole purpose to make him sound 'hot' (they do not!). Who knows, these could be arbitrary lines taken out of thin air regardless of the plot going on sideways in the rest of the show. And believe me, ALL that Horatio Caine says or does is so redundant it has to go parallel to the action rather than with it.  

Unlike Grisham/Ray Langston in CSI (the original), Horatio does no real work. He just stumbles across the answer in the last 10 minutes of the show, an answer, no doubt, he knew all along.  Yes, his time is spent parading the screen, saying his lines, then prancing off into the orange sunset. He has no emotions (is this the actor or the character? The two of them have long since mashed together in a migraine of red and wrinkled play-dough where I'm concerned). He stands uncomfortably sideways (not a good look and certainly not working for a person with a queer sort of bendy-back thing going on). All his lines are delivered in the same tone, same volume, same pitch of nothingness.

In one episode, Alex asks, 'Could you put a rush on this?' as she looks at him, mastering a mixture of pleading and worry on her face. The following is his slack response: he takes his dark glasses off slowly in his crab-like sideway-ness, (no, sideway-ness is not a word, but that's only because the Oxford dictionary has never seen Horatio Caine) looks at something somewhere between himself and her, and with a flat voice says, 'priority number one' and walks off frame. What? Who says that then walks away? If he's always in such a hurry to walk off, why doesn't he stay gone?

photo credit

Arrrggghhhhhhh!

I wonder what he does for the show. Eye candy? certainly not! Great acting? How dare you even ask that! It's definitely not for quick-fire interaction because never looks at the people with whom he speaks. How can a director let that pass. Please, someone, just tell him it doesn't work!   

He moves like a snake just about to shed its skin, slowly, slithering, devoid of articulation. He holds his hands together like a politician giving his inaugural speech. (Wait! do you think he's a bit confused? Perhaps he thinks he's really going for the Presidential seat? Obama, had better watch his step)

Bottom line, there are lots of other 'minor' actors who could do a better job. (like that Bud from 'Married With Children') The event that convinced me this poser was just that, was when he said, 'you're going to die' to some dude, then waltzed off with his eye bags, holding a the-kettle-has-just-boiled-let's-get-some-mint-flavoured-tea expression on his face. Then he had the audacity to use this exact look later on when his friend and colleague, 'Eric' was on his death bed. This series of events followed both incidents: ginger eyebrows cocked at a particularly weird angle, pose, side step, head turned at a peculiar angle, glasses off, say the line, glasses on again. 

I've waited a long time for this whinge. I feel better for it now. That, and I can't watch CSI Miami as long as Horatio Caine is in it.